Wednesday, 25 November 2015


Well, that was a spicy night in the jungle and no mistake.
There were arguments from morning to night as Brian Friedman woke the camp up with his moans about water and the evening ended in bitter recrimination as Tony Hadley and Jorgie Porter point blank refused to serve Lady Colin Campbell, Chris Eubank and Kieron Dyer in their Jungle Boutique Hotel.
Hats off to Ferne McCann, however, for her pluck in the Bushtucker Trial.
1) Brian will face the Critter Shop of Horrors
Be honest, we’re all delighted to see Brian Friedman finally get his comeuppance, aren’t we?
It’ll be the American choreographer who will be facing the particularly horrible sounding “Critter Shop of Horrors” and after Tuesday night’s showing, he deserves it.
First he flounced about at breakfast, moaning about the lack of drinking water and fire wood. Vicky Pattison, who was on water and wood duty, was not impressed with her campmate.
“I’m a bit pissed off with Brian, he’s such a control freak” she told Ferne. ‘He got right on me t*ts.”
Later he revealed his Machiavellian ambitions to be camp leader: “I want that chair, I love being the boss it’s a better position for me, I’m meant to lead not follow.”
The public decided that his vaulting ambition needed a good dose of jungle bugs.
Mind you, do you know who I’d like to see do a Bushtucker Trial? Those Aunt Bessie women.
2) Is Tony Hadley turning into the villain of the camp?
Tony Hadley has been all “hail fellow, well met” so far, eager to muck in and slap people’s back.
But chosen by Chris, Kieron and Lady C to be their bell boy in the Jungle Boutique Hotel, the Eighties pop star threw his toys out of the pram and point blank refused.
Jorgie Porter went along with it too but we’re sure she’d have swallowed her pride and done it if Tony had.
What a pity, I think we’d all like to see Tony Hadley in a chambermaid’s outfit.
“I don’t want to do it. I’m not going to go and do that. I’ll eat anything, I’ll do any Trial. Do you guys understand that?” said grumpy Tony.
3) That choc ice moment was really weird
The grunts, the groans, Brian Friedman looking on with desire in his eyes, Ferne McCann licking ice cream off Duncan Bannatyne’s fingers… It was all a bit, well, clammy.
Many a previous contestant has spoken of the hunger they endured in the jungle – surely part of the challenge is that they forego pleasures such as ice cream and chocolate?
4) The Bad Reception Challenge proved a Bad Attitude in the camp
Oof! Talk of cults and whispers – this isn’t teamwork, guys!
There was a certain sense of camaraderie among the campmates as they all shuffled off into the jungle to hunt for keys, except for one grouping – Chris, Lady C and Kieron, who were getting no love at all.
Yvette Fielding accused them of “whispering” (the fiends!) and Brian Friedman even described them as a “cult”. At least, we’re pretty sure he said cult.
It was all too much for “tough but sensitive” Chris Eubank who just wanted a hug! “I want that love” he said. Naw.
Never mind, Chris, you got the Boutique!
5) We would want Ferne McCann by our sides in a fight
Is anyone else massively impressed with Ferne McCann?
She faced the Flood of Fear challenge with admirable pluck. I mean, I wouldn’t go into those tunnels after seeing the toads let alone a massive crocodile.
Okay, so she flappped and screamed and said sorry to toads but she blinking well did it and bagged the campers ten dinners in the process.
“I thought it’d be little,” said Ferne of the six-foot croc. We’ve been unimpressed with some previous Bushtucker Trials in this series but you can’t complain about this one – that crocodile was a proper beast.
“It was a baby when we got here but they grow up so quickly these days!” counters Dec, the little rogue.
Vicky Pattison called the trial “a bag of d***s” and we couldn’t put it better really. Hats off to you, Ferne.
6) …but we wouldn’t want to cross Lady C
Tony Hadley has made a big mistake.
By refusing to don the bell boy’s outfit and serve Lady Colin Campbell her chips, the Spandau Ballet singer has made a powerful enemy.
She spoke of certain people needing to be “taught a lesson”, mentioned slitting throats and even questioned whether some of the campmates (Tony) were human.
We all saw how she wolfed down those ostrich testicles – Tony, you’re a marked man.
7) I’m a Celeb owes a big debt to TOWIE
Right, this is the only compliment I’m ever going to pay The Only Way is Essex. Deep breath.
Watching Ferne McCann during the Floods of Fear Bushtucker Trial was a reminder that I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! has a lot to thank the reality show for.
For the past three years, it has been a character from TOWIE that has made the whole thing worth watching.
In 2013, it was Joey Essex who threw himself into every trial, confusing crabs for rats and Ant for Dec, all the while making about as much sense as my father’s text messages.
Then last year, Gemma Collins stole the show, despite lasting in the jungle for roughly the amount of time it takes to say “Oh Maaa Gaaad”.
Now Ferne is proving to be equally entertaining. Reem.

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